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Chapter 3: Divorce Doesn't Stop It

One of my biggest misconceptions after I left my husband was that life was going to be better. And peaceful. And happy.

Uhhhh...not completely.

Even though the divorce proceedings were relatively calm, I was still forced to interact with him, sometimes on a daily basis. Of course I was. We had two kids. We had many parenting and financial decisions to make.

For some reason, I didn't expect the abuse to continue. Sure, it was better to NOT be coming home to his presence in the house. Sure, it was great to not consult him about every decision I made about my life. But his specter remained.

When he would park his car in my driveway and come up to pick up or drop off my kids, occasionally he would want to talk. Sometimes these conversations went well. Often, they didn't. After one particularly heated discussion, he picked up the kids and put them in his car as I walked outside to plead with him not to take the kids yet. As I stood there, he rolled down his car window and commanded,
"If you don't move out of the way, I will run over you with my car."

My kids were crying in the back seat as he drove away.

On a different occasion, it had just snowed. A friend had earlier come to visit me, parked in the driveway, and left. When he pulled up in the driveway, I watched him look around for a minute, come up to the door and said, "Who was in your driveway? I see the tire tracks in your driveway. I see your tire tracks, I see mine, and there's a third set. Who was here?"

Fast forward to around a year ago. I arrived at his house to pick up my kids at our agreed upon time. He refused to let my kids come with me until I came up to the door and spoke to him verbally about some ongoing issues we were having. I refused. I ended up calling the police. Yes, the POLICE. I have never in my life called the police for any reason except a car accident. As I stood in the long driveway to his expensive home waiting for the police to arrive, I wondered if the Jerry Springer cameras were in place somewhere? Because, dang.

So no, divorce doesn't change a Narcissist. I could write a dissertation about all of the many dysfunctional things that have happened AFTER the divorce. I worry about my kids so much, but I'm glad they don't live with their biological mom and dad together. I almost feel guilty writing those words, but it's true. My kids are better off to not have my first marriage as their example for what a marriage should be.

I drew a picture early on after I left him. It was a picture of the Cycle of Abuse. It had different faces representing different emotions they might see from their father depending on what part of the cycle he was in. Happy and giving and asking for forgiveness at the top of the cycle. Angry, hateful, threatening at one part. And everything in between. I often ask them, even today, "What part of the cycle is your dad in right now?" I want them to understand that the way he speaks to them or treats them is not based on THEIR doing. They are not responsible for how he feels or what he says. He will continue round and round in his abusive cycle no matter what they do or say.

Here are some things I've learned about co-parenting after an abusive relationship:
  • Expect your toxic ex-partner to be an even worse parent once you are no longer together.
  • Expect the other parent to NOT stick to the legal orders.
  • Expect the other parent to badmouth and discount you.
  • DOCUMENT your communication with the other parent.
  • Trust your instincts and do not be afraid to ask for help.


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