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Chapter 4: A Dysfunctional Love Letter

I intended to stay single after the divorce. After experiencing that 10 year marriage, I wasn't up for another one. Divorce is shattering, in general. Add Narcissistic qualities to the divorce, and you have a very ego-injured person who can often be vindictive and devious. I was pretty certain that marriage was not for me.

 I didn't trust myself anymore. I didn't think I could make good decisions about men. My instincts were screwy and it took me years to hear my "gut instinct" speak to me again. After all, I thought I had married the right person in the first place.

 And then, one summer day, I met T$. (I call him that because he wanted a nickname early on, and I refused to call him "T-Bone.") You can read more about us here. He knew that my situation was not a pleasant one, but he married me anyway. Broken me. And he took on two fragile children, too. Dang, that's a lot to take on. 

 It was actually from T that I realized my situation with the Narcissist was not "normal." I saw T's family situation, what he did for his kids, how he treated his former spouse, and I was shocked. I decided to make some changes.

 Maybe I made a bit too many changes though. 
  • Got married.
  • Moved to a new city.
  • Put my kids in a new school.
  • Gained a wonderful new family with 4 "bonus" kids.
  • Changed jobs.
  • Prepared for a court date to help solve some issues I had with my ex husband. This, by the way, terrified me. He had always told me, "You need to take this deal I am offering you or I will take you to court and you will not win."
  • My father was diagnosed with cancer.
It was a lot. At the time, I didn't realize how much it was. I had a smile on my face because I loved my new job, I loved my new husband, I loved my new bigger family. But I was struggling. I wasn't conscious of the struggle, but it was manifesting itself in very negative ways. I've never had a nervous breakdown before, but looking back, that's what I experienced.

I had not fully processed everything that happened to me in my marriage and with my kids. Going to court brought all of my drama and trauma and pain to light again. I had to testify on the stand, like, in a real courtroom. There were objections and arguments and lots of money flying around that room. And little me, sitting there, eyes on the judge as my dad so brilliantly told me to do.

Guess who was sitting behind me the whole time in that courtroom? T$. No matter what, he was there. Even though life was hard. Even though I was a hot mess. He continues to show grace and kindness and forgiveness and thoughtfulness toward my kids and me.

It's been hard. It still is. It probably will be for a long time. But I found someone who doesn't make me feel like loving me is a job. He assures me of little things. He doesn't tell me that I'm overreacting. He's literally sat with me on the floor in the dead middle of an anxiety attack. I guess I could consider this a dysfunctional love letter to him. 

Thank you for walking with us on this journey, T$. We adore you.
P.S. My dad is in remission. 😊


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