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Chapter 9: The Crazy-Maker

You might be wondering, after reading these blog posts, why I don't DO something about the Narcissist I married and then subsequently divorced. I mean, why couldn't I just get a restraining order or meet the dude somewhere else when I pick up my kids so I don't have to worry about driving on his grass? (The grass story can be found here.)

Well, it's funny. I can't file a restraining order because there have been no outright threats. I could try to come to a compromise about the grass/pick up situation.

Hey, that's a great idea. Why don't I do that?

So, in thinking of the upcoming time my children will spend with him, I decided to attempt a compromise.

I texted:
"How about I meet you at the church to pick up the kids on ___ date at 6 pm? I don't feel comfortable pulling up into your driveway or sitting on (a busy) street. Thanks."

Here was the response:

"I'm not going to drive to ___ church on Sunday just because you don't feel comfortable doing normal, everyday tasks. If you cannot pull into and out of my driveway, you should relinquish your license."

Huh?

This is a great example of a Narcissistic response. Narcissists like to provoke negative emotions in others in order to get a reaction. This is often accomplished by saying something rude, insensitive, or doing something cruel. They then shame those emotions by claiming you are crazy, saying you overreact, calling you a drama queen, or trying to insist you are wrong. This can in turn make you doubt yourself. 

This is also called Gaslighting. It is one of the most common tools that a Narcissist uses to control and maintain power over their partners.

I have vivid memories of this. During our marriage, I remember asking him, "Why must you try to constantly control me?" To which he would respond, "I am not trying to control you. You are actually the controlling and abusive one because you ..."

You begin to question your sanity and your own reality. Relinquish my driver's license? Wow, that seems like a big jump from just, "Hey, could we please meet at xyz parking lot to exchange the kids?"

I wonder what would happen if I really did relinquish my license? That would actually be kind of awesome. No more taxi driving kids around! Woo hoo!

If you experience this in a friendship or in a relationship of any kind, please know that you are not alone. 


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