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Chapter 8: Rainbows and Unicorns

Last week, a friend asked me a question that made me pause. She read my recent post about the Mother's Day drama I had experienced in the driveway of my former spouse.

 "How are you still smiling and sweet after just going through something like that?" she asked.

 I answered her with my usual, "Oh, that incident on Mother's Day is nothing compared to some things I've experienced. I'm good!"

 But her question has been going through my head for the last week. How DO people continue to smile and be kind to others when they're experiencing sadness and anger and chaos? I would like to think I am above it. After all, it's been almost 10 years since the divorce.

 I think a better answer to my friend's question, though, is that I'm better at not letting N(arcissist) get to me. But things DO still bother me. It bothers me when he's mean to my kids. It bothers me when he's mean to me. It bothers me that there's not much I can do about it.

 I've written before that a big surprise for me after divorce was realizing that abuse still occurs. That the same things that were hard during marriage are still difficult now, sometimes even more so.

 Even now, I have trouble trusting that the people I love are not going to go from Jekyll to Hyde and begin lashing out at me. If someone is upset at me, it messes with my head. How do I REALLY know that the people I love are not going to hurt me?

 The problem is, I never can know. Nothing is ever guaranteed, and that is what can make second marriages so challenging. You've known the loss of a dream, and you are fully aware that it can happen again, no matter what promises are made.

 But I have to trust that the world is inherently good. I have to maintain my Rainbows and Unicorns perspective because that's the way I WANT to view the world. It's a choice. And no, I don't always successfully maintain that view. In fact, there are times when I would probably be unrecognizable to my lovely friends who read this blog. I can freak out easily. I sometimes infer too quickly that I'm unwanted. I shut down. I cry.
Image result for rainbows and unicorns
Me, sometimes.
But I get up the next day and I try again.

 My brilliant mother says that it's important for us to "bloom where we're planted." I've worked hard to do this, despite the anger. Despite the drama. Despite thinking that Jerry Springer is going to pop out of the bushes with a camera.

 I WANT to trust.
I WANT to believe the world is happy and people are good.
No matter where I live.
Bloom where I'm planted. 
Be color in the world for others.
Be kind, even though others are not kind to us.
This sweet little tulip is the only one like it that grows in my yard each year.
It doesn't care that it's alone. It blooms anyway.

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