Shattering the Image

You might be wondering, after reading these blog posts, why I don't DO something about the Narcissist I married and then subsequently divorced. I mean, why couldn't I just get a restraining order or meet the dude somewhere else when I pick up my kids so I don't have to worry about driving on his grass? (The grass story can be found here .) Well, it's funny. I can't file a restraining order because there have been no outright threats. I could try to come to a compromise about the grass/pick up situation. Hey, that's a great idea. Why don't I do that? So, in thinking of the upcoming time my children will spend with him, I decided to attempt a compromise. I texted: "How about I meet you at the church to pick up the kids on ___ date at 6 pm? I don't feel comfortable pulling up into your driveway or sitting on (a busy) street. Thanks." Here was the response: "I'm not going to drive to ___ church on Sunday just becau...

Last week, a friend asked me a question that made me pause. She read my recent post about the Mother's Day drama I had experienced in the driveway of my former spouse. "How are you still smiling and sweet after just going through something like that?" she asked. I answered her with my usual, "Oh, that incident on Mother's Day is nothing compared to some things I've experienced. I'm good!" But her question has been going through my head for the last week. How DO people continue to smile and be kind to others when they're experiencing sadness and anger and chaos? I would like to think I am above it. After all, it's been almost 10 years since the divorce. I think a better answer to my friend's question, though, is that I'm better at not letting N(arcissist) get to me. But things DO still bother me. It bothers me when he's mean to my kids. It bothers me when he's mean to me. It bothers me that there's not much I can do...

9:55 am. Mother's Day. 2017. I drive up the loooooong driveway to the house of the N(arcissist). It can be a bit tricky to turn around in this driveway, not only because it's long and skinny, but because there are sometimes cars parked in the area where I turn my car around and face back out to the street. The street in front of his house is VERY busy. A main road, with lots of traffic.  I am so excited to pick up my kids. We are going to celebrate today! We are going to work outside, read outside, and go out to dinner in the evening.  As I sit in my car and anticipate my children coming out of the house, there is a knock at my car window. My stomach immediately tightens when I look up. It's him. We don't talk face to face, an instruction from my attorney. He's standing there in his sweats and t-shirt, many days of scruff growing on his face. Do I roll the window down? The last time I spoke with him on his driveway, the police wer...

I admit that I didn't know much about love after I got out of my marriage. For someone who had a picture perfect childhood and two exceptional parents, I certainly had/have a lot to learn and relearn. When marriage meant being discredited and minimized and threatened, it can be difficult to know what marriage can be like outside of your own house with the white picket fence.  I've read countless articles and blog posts and books on love and marriage and forgiveness, trying to figure this thing out. I've talked to my parents (my dad is a therapist, for crying out loud!) and to my friends and to my relatives. It's only been recently that I've started to understand what love and marriage should be. 40 dang years it's taken me. Here's what I've discovered about love in a marriage: Love is being allowed to put your cold toes on your partner in bed. Love is watching stupid series on Netflix together, promising the other to not watch an episode without...

Life after divorcing a Narcissist is not what I thought it would be. Yes, there is more peace and less daily conflict. But wow, it's still packed full of enough drama to last a lifetime. Take the most recent issue, for instance. My children were with their father for a bit of time. When I picked them up, they immediately started in with the reasons their dad is angry at me. Would you like to know why I am not a good example for my children? Here are the things my children relayed to me in the car on the way home. 1. "Dad has to pay thousands of dollars to your attorney and he's really mad about that. Do you really have an attorney, mom?" 2. "Dad says you can't think for yourself and that your husband does everything for you. Is that true?" 3. "Dad is mad that you dropped me off 13 minutes late yesterday. He said you planned to do it on purpose and he yelled at me about it because he said you weren't here to yell at." 4. "Da...

I intended to stay single after the divorce. After experiencing that 10 year marriage, I wasn't up for another one. Divorce is shattering, in general. Add Narcissistic qualities to the divorce, and you have a very ego-injured person who can often be vindictive and devious. I was pretty certain that marriage was not for me. I didn't trust myself anymore. I didn't think I could make good decisions about men. My instincts were screwy and it took me years to hear my "gut instinct" speak to me again. After all, I thought I had married the right person in the first place. And then, one summer day, I met T$. (I call him that because he wanted a nickname early on, and I refused to call him "T-Bone.") You can read more about us here . He knew that my situation was not a pleasant one, but he married me anyway. Broken me. And he took on two fragile children, too. Dang, that's a lot to take on.  It was actually from T that I realized my situation with the ...

One of my biggest misconceptions after I left my husband was that life was going to be better. And peaceful. And happy. Uhhhh...not completely. Even though the divorce proceedings were relatively calm, I was still forced to interact with him, sometimes on a daily basis. Of course I was. We had two kids. We had many parenting and financial decisions to make. For some reason, I didn't expect the abuse to continue. Sure, it was better to NOT be coming home to his presence in the house. Sure, it was great to not consult him about every decision I made about my life. But his specter remained. When he would park his car in my driveway and come up to pick up or drop off my kids, occasionally he would want to talk. Sometimes these conversations went well. Often, they didn't. After one particularly heated discussion, he picked up the kids and put them in his car as I walked outside to plead with him not to take the kids yet. As I stood there, he rolled down his car window...